How am I doing?

I am excited to go home for a bit and see my family. Really excited to see some high school friends in Fort Worth, and hoping to see some medical school friends along the way. Will also hopefully make a trip to Dallas to see friends from college. I miss all these great people that have come into my fragmented life. Also excited about the many presents we have collected for people over the past few months.

I am terrified because I still dont know what residency to apply for. I debate everyday about staying in line with my current effort to save the world and do some aspect of medicine/international health/research, or to go out on a limb and pursue some surgical subspecialty (ortho? trauma?). I took a whole extra year off and still dont know. I am the most indecisive person alive. Will write more, perhaps much more, about this later.

I am frustrated because my job basically has been to track down missing data. CAPISA is a poorly run, disorganized nightmare of a place to work. I am constantly having to look for data that someone else has lost, forgotten about, failed to write down, etc. I havent seen any of my supposed mentors or supervisors in weeks, and most wont respond to my emails because they are too busy not helping me. This is a really, really annoying place to work and I no longer have any reservations about making this fact known to anyone who will listen.

I am encouraged by people like Dr. Watts at UTMB who have spent a lifetime doing research in the developing world, and understand how frustrating it can be.

I am thankful of the statisticians (who I have learned are the only people here that know what the hell is going on) for their help and support.

I am pumped because I had a great morning of surfing. Surfed North Beach with 3-6 foot waves in glassy, smooth water. Managed to catch waves despite the crowds and had a great left all the way in. Still working out those backhand rights.

I am confused because this patient in the hospital just wont get any better. She has days where she is happy and excited, and days where she can barely hold her head up. When I last saw her, she was considering a trip down the stairs and outside (would be her first time in weeks). But I brought her a newspaper and a magazine yesterday and she was too weak to hold them up or even read. I worry what will happen to her while I am away for Christmas.

Finally, I am happy that Kylie had a good birthday and that we have had so much fun here so far. Despite the pressure, the confusion, the frustration, we have the unique opportunity to live in another world for a year and enjoy all the amazing things around us. In ten years, hopefully I wont remember the bad things, and will instead focus on the many great things that have happened and have yet to happen.